Dear,

[Rex]

Dear People Coming to TOPAZ Shows,
Wear f*ck-me boots and tight clothes. We'll talk (sex).
-Beer

[brooklyn]

Dear 3:47pm,

You're a jerk. Why can't you be more like 4:59pm?

[Ldub]

Dear catering guy at work,

Stop complaining about all the work you have to do. It's your job, you set up food/drinks for meetings during the day. You waste time complaining to me when you could be doing your work. And don't complain that you hate Fridays. Just be thankful that it IS Friday. And I don't want to hear about how you ride your bike from Evanston to downtown and it's too hard. Take a freakin bus or train then.....bleh...........

Sincerely, Lindsay

[bill binkley]

Dear gangbangers, chronic litterers, and graffiti artists in my neighborhood:

Fucking knock it off. I'm tired of living on someone's turf. I'm tired of worrying if my dog is going to get shards of glass in her paws, after you sit in your cars, drinking all night and throwing the bottles out of the windows. Have some fucking pride about where you tread.

[Saff]

Dear Rex,
Thank You!

[Hendo]

Dear Lollapalooza,

Your lineup has blown my mind. Color me impressed.

[EdO]

Dear Spring,

Where you at, ya nappy headed ho?!

[PeteFitz]

Dear EdO,

http://afronetizen.blogs.com/afronetizen/sharpton2.gif

Spring has not had an opportunity to defend itself.
So the Reverend will instead.

[Crescent]

Dear Spring,

Where you at, ya nappy headed ho?!

Dear EdO,

That cracked my ho ass up. Thanks!

[Jmoe]

Dear memory,

I wish things could have been better between us.

Hope you find happiness,

???

[TommyP]

Dear Danny R. Stone,

Hell hath no fury like an Insurance Company scorned. Bump into me again sometime.

Love,

Your New Friend

[EdO]

Dear Prudence won't you come out to play
Dear Prudence greet the brand new day
The sun is up the sky is blue
It's beautiful and so are you
Dear Prudence won't you come out to play

[Schoolyj]

Dear Soul-less 22-year-old in My Cube Cluster,

I don't share your enthusiasm for wedding planning, weddings or marriage in general. I am not curious about the work-out regime your personal trainer has installed in anticipation of same.

Also, I do not find it remarkable that the climate of Chicago differs from that of your hometown Savannah, Georgia.

Later, when only we two are left in the office, I loosen my belt and treat you to the smell of meatball sandwich and colon. I will not feel pity.

Jamie

[Ldub]

Dear old man that lives above me,
since you’ve flooded my bathroom twice with your urine and whatever else, don’t be shocked that I’m not exactly thrilled to talk to you in the lobby. And stop asking me how I’m doing just so you can tell me how horrible your life is. I don’t care.

Dear guy sitting in front of my building waiting for the bus,
I can hear your hacking cough from a block away. Maybe you should put out that cigarette. Newsflash - smoking is what is making you cough up a lung.

Dear lady who puts her bag on the seat next to her on the train,
Seats are for people, not bags. Go ahead and think I’m a bitch and roll your eyes at me. But if there is a seat with no person and just a bag on it, I’m sitting there.

[hixx]

Dear people that roll through stop signs,

I've been practicing my Eckhart Tolle, and being present, and pondering my own human errors rather than someone else's. It is not my place to judge others, but rather to judge myself. It is easier for me and my dog to wait quietly and patiently, in a moment of presence, than to play chicken with someone in a mega-ton car. It is not my responsibility any longer to educate you on the rules of the road, or to scream at you that you almost ran over two living beings, one black and white and furry, and one hot, muscular and quite cute. We will wait now, patiently, on the corner, watching with a peaceful eye as you manage to get where you're going one whole half second earlier than you were going to.

Now fucking quit it before I rip your balls/ovaries off.

Thank you.

Hixx

[jimfath]

Dear ex-girlfriend,
I'm terribly sorry about the drunk dialing... You were wise beyond your years not to answer.

[Hendo]

Dear Jim Fath,

Quit calling me. I'm not your ex-girlfriend.

[Banned Ito]

Dear Lizard Horses of Anxitanz,

Just because I leave my tashmanbar beside the freengar does NOT mean you can scale the preanz out of it with your greasy klapschtick. That shit really gets under my hardenqan. Fuck cunty.

[proxy]

Dear Co-worker,

I'm crying in the bathroom because I have to find a new job soon, because I'm freelance. This can't be the first time a chick has cried in here...for chrissake, we're a 70%-woman publishing company office. COME ON. Be cool and buy me chai, don't eye me like tears are arsenic, you fuck.



Dear Crying,

I thought you had your time during Animal Cops Houston this weekend. Need you more freedom? You fuck.

Dear Interview Today,

Result in a job or I will hunt you down and cut your fucking neck open, you fuck. Fucking fuck fuck. Poo.

[sammy]

Dear Sleep,

We really need to patch things up.

These last couple of nights have been rough without you.

When I said I need you, I meant it. I don't want Insomnia, I want YOU.


Call me?

[kremidas]

Dear car full of hoodlums from yesterday,

Really? You sat at a four way stop and let 5 cars go by. We were waiting and suzanne gave you one of those polite short honks. When you still wouldn't move, I reached over and laid on the horn. And Wait... now you're getting out of your care now? Really? No you're not getting out of your car, you're just opening the door and leaning out just to give me the finger. I see it. It's clever and sends a clear message that you disapprove. Now go. Oh, you're going. But you still have the door open to give the finger, because the finger isn't enough. I have to see your whole "I don't give a fuck" stance and face. God bless you, Eminem.

[Dave Ries]

Dear 80s/90s Hip Hop Collection,

Thank you for brightening up a rainy day while I sit at my desk working. You are the medicine I needed this morning.
Especially you, "We're all in the same gang" track. I remember when I had you on tape. :)

-Dave

[Crescent]

Dear baby makins,

Please make baby this month. Thank you! I promise to give it a cool name and lots of duck related toys.

Love,
Crescent & Huzz

[Hamer]

Dear Billy Zane,

You are a fucking asshole, man. Don't you know you can't buy love?

[nhoj]

Dear Mare Daley,

I think it's done snowing for the year. Let's get the boys out to fix the potholes.

K? Thanx.

[stetsko]

Dear nhoJ,

http://forecast.weather.gov/MapClick.php?site=LOT&map.x=239&map.y=103

Saturday hates you.

Love,

The Mayor.

[kremidas]

Dear Mare Daley,



Dear mare Daley,

You are the greatest of the horse mayors.

Your biggest fan,

-Me

[robbersean]

Dear Mare Nostrum,

You are ancient Rome's favorite body of water. Today, we call you the Mediterranean.

Love,

A Classics Buff

[Tabs]

Dear roommate,

Please stop telling yourself you're okay and go to the doctor. Your shoulder looks like part of it's caving in. It's not okay, I promise.

Love,
Tab

Dear United,

Please don't delay/cancel flights tomorrow night. I need some Texas weather/food/fun.

[proxy]

Dear Chicago,

Listen, honey, you know i love you, but if you don't stop acting up and getting all rainy and wet and cold, I'mma have to make you bite the curb.

(american history)Xoxo,

Jady

[Frymire]

Dear Me,

You go to Starbucks on a regular basis now? What the hell's up with that, you fruit?

Sincerely,

Me, from five years ago

[DiMarco]

<object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/YSUpUcRsEls&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/YSUpUcRsEls&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

[Banned Ito]

Dear God!

What have I done?!

[proxy]

Dear Me,

You go to Starbucks on a regular basis now? What the hell's up with that, you fruit?

Sincerely,

Me, from five years ago

hoooooooooomoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

[chitiger]

Dear boss,

Do you really have to be so passive aggressive and territorial? You're perpetuating the stereotype that female managers have no souls and hate men.

Sincerely,

Keith

P.S. I'm quitting June 1st, so if you need help with the Web site, you can call the Go Fuck Yourself desk.

[Hendo]

Dear Rene,

Thanks for hooking me up here at this new job! They just hired me full-time!

Hendo

[Gentrup]

Dear Chicago,

I have missed you terribly and am very happy to be back, even if it is for only one day. It totally rocks that Schaefe is in town at the same time as me. Thanks for that.

Now stop fucking raining before I go all Mrs. O'Leary's cow on your bitch ass.

Brian

[Nick]

Dear God,

What's up with all the violence? Pent up or something?

Love,
Nick

[jrrtubbs]

Dear friends from back home who live here now,

My girlfriend is getting really upset that none of you have RSVP'ed for her birthday party. She's still under the illusion that you really liked us and weren't just nice to me/us because I happened to be friends with one of your other friends. I'm not so blind anymore. Your blunt honesty would hurt alot less than your passive agressive ignoring us.

Signed,
Me

This one was alot more emotional than I imagined. One day I'll be a man, I just know it.

[MrAjaxConover]

Dear falling tree,

[nhoj]

Dear nhoJ,

http://forecast.weather.gov/MapClick.php?site=LOT&map.x=239&map.y=103

Saturday hates you.

Love,

The Mayor.
In that case....

Dear Winter,

Fucking end already.

Love,

John

[proxy]

Dear Spring,

if you don't show up soon and stay around, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind and kill EVERYONE.

esPECially JPG. Bye now.

[Frymire]

Dear perky co-worker,

Please stop bringing in delicious Hershey brownies that wreck my diet.

Thank you,

[Crescent]

Dear stomach,

i ate healthy ALL weekend! I hardly even drank! Why you gotta be so come on and achey!

I think you are a jerk today,
C

[Darrin]

Dear Annoying Dude at Work,

Please stop flirting with the married girl who has kids. She isn't even that cute, and she is still out of your league. Can't you see that she is ignoring your attempts to woo her while reading her junk mail?

Neither she, nor I, nor any of the 12 people within earshot give a rat's patootie how much you had to drink with your old frat buddies last night.

You are ruining my attempt to circumvent work by watching youtube videos by talking too loud.

You are a choad, and no one likes you. I am a temp and I carry more clout around here than you.

Suck it,
Darrin

[Banned Ito]

Dear Guy on the Bus,

Hey, how's it going? You must be on your way home from work, the same as I. What a day, huh? I imagine you must be thinking about your plans for the weekend. Yeah, me too. I'm just so glad to get out of there for the week. I'm going out to dinner tonight. That should be fun. If you look at me again I'm going to stab you in the face.

[jrrtubbs]

Dear Betty Crocker,

I ate one of your Bowl Appetit's for lunch today. It was moderately tasty, but I must say, I felt it was far too much effort for what I was putting in mouth. I have another one at home and I do intend on consuming it. Perhaps I will re-evaluate it and get back to you.

Many thanks,
Ryan

[Banned Ito]

Dear Canada Goose waddling up the lakeside,

You're so cute. I wonder what your roasted flesh would taste like.

[Monkey Girl]

Dear Saturday,

Would you hurry up and get here already?! I wants to get married and I wants to make you my anniversary.

Let's be friends April 19th!

Kisses,
Jenn

[Frymire]

Dear Jenn/MonkeyGirl,

Congrats and good luck.

[Ldub]

Dear good friend,

Stop posting your personal problems as bulletins on myspace. If you need to talk, friends are always a car ride or cell phone call away. The more stuff you post, the less I wanna read it and the more I want to punch you.

Thanks

[kremidas]

Dear married men in my office,

When you tell me every Friday to get as drunk as I can and to have sex with as many random women as I can because, "Once you're married and you have kids your life is over...do it for us." It makes me never want to get married ever or have children EVER, which is something I once looked forward to. Why, in all my years of knowing married men, have I never heard a single one say "Being married is SO cool!"? or "Having a kid is awesome!" I appreciate the sincere warnings to "Always. ALWAYS where a condom." and "Man...hold off getting married as long as you possibly can." But this is really killing what is left of the romantic in me. And besides, you shouldn't be encouraging my behavior.

[Banned Ito]

Dear Poop,

How was the trip out of my butt?

Heeee HAW!

[Frymire]

Dear Wild Cougars,

Please stay off my street!

WTF?!?

[Essie]

Dear Me in the Future,

I know things can get hard, but it'd be super if you could not be lame. If you could do all of those things you wanted to and avoid soul-sucking jobs and heroin, that'd be really great. Please be cool. K?

Thanks!
- Me in the Right Now

[stevescholz]

Dear New Cashmere Top,

"Ooooooh, la-dee-da, look at me! I'm on parade for EVERYONE to see! What's that? A compliment for Moi?! Why YES, I am so SHINY and BRIGHT and FUN TO TOUCH!!!!...."

Enjoy it while you can, sister.

Signed,
Bitter Sweater In The Bottom Drawer

[Ldub]

Dear yoga instructor,

Why are you playing Josh Groban and spanish versions of Unchained Melody and Unbreak My Heart? Most of the other instructors play something soft and usually without lyrics. I was waiting for Phantom of the Opera or Evita to start playing. It was very distracting.

And why are you whispering into the microphone? Is that really how you talk? If you're trying to sound sexy, it's not working and I can hardly hear a word you're saying which is why I had trouble keeping up with each move.

So, cut it out.

Thanks,
Lindsay

[Leslieface]

Dear perky co-worker,

Please stop bringing in delicious Hershey brownies that wreck my diet.

Thank you,

HA! I know who that iiiiissssssss....


Dear Job I used to have...

I'm Unemployed and its 74 degrees outside! What are YOU doing today?

From Leslieface

[Frymire]

HA! I know who that iiiiissssssss....


Dear Job I used to have...

I'm Unemployed and its 74 degrees outside! What are YOU doing today?

From Leslieface

Dear Leslieface,

Things are slow. We're currently discussing what's more geeky: Watching pro-wrestling, or planning Earth Day events.

We also hate you, you outdoor-enjoying former co-worker.

Sincerely yours,

The CS Department

[Ldub]

Dear Jamba Juice,

Why are your menus smaller and way behind the counter? I can't even read the ingredients anymore.

Dear Bally's,
You need to update your music. I bring my shuffle with me but in the locker room and in the rest of the gym, I sometimes catch the music playing. I'd really rather not listen to a techno version of "Can't Fight the Moonlight". Even Top 10 stuff on MTV would be better.

Oh, and fix the broken treadmills. Sometimes there are at least 5 broken. And the people behind your front desk don't really know what they're doing. Some training might help. Just a suggestion.

[Paperbackwriter45]

Dear kremidas,

Married live is awesome. Keep hope alive.

Sincerely,

Married for Three Years and Loving It

[Chip]

Dear lady on the train who stands up before the train gets to the station,

The train is crowded. You need not stand up from your seat, making the aisle even more crowded, and push through people to get to the door before the train reaches the station. Everyone and their mother is getting off at Lake. You will not miss your stop. I want to "accidentally" trip you.

[robbersean]

Kind of going along with Chip's last "Dear"

Dear people who get on the Red Line at Clark and Division in the morning,

I know that the El is always super-crowded by the time it gets to your stop (the last red line stop before downtown) in the morning. I understand that this is why you cram yourselves onto the red line, even when the car is clearly overfull already. But please, if you are going to cram yourself in, be as polite about it as possible. Don't ask people to "move in". They would if they could. There is just no more space on the El. Don't push people either. It's crowded enough without you pushing.

Clark and Division folk, we are all just trying to get to work. We are all in a rush. That is why it's called "rush hour". I'd prefer that you didn't cram yourselves into the El. I swear another will be there in just a few minutes. BUT if you are going to cram yourself in, do it in a nice way.

Love,

Sean

[hixx]

Dear poor dog two houses down:

You are so pretty, you are just the prettiest colors of varying shades of brown, you're just lovely.

You are also a jumper, and jump over the neighbor's fences so you can come play in our yard with our dog, I don't blame you, our dog is fun and handsome.

You are also SO sweet when we take you back to your own house, little cutie.

But I'm sorry they NEVER walk you, I'm sorry that their kids scream bloody murder at you all the time. I'm sorry your guardians are never going to build a higher fence and you're going to get loose one day and who knows. I'm sorry that obviously no one in your house knows how to take care of you properly.

I'm sorry we can't take you in and make you our dog.



Hixx

[Frymire]

Dear Chicago El Passengers,

Oh, I bet you do have more room.

Quit whining.

Cram it,

The CTA (Chinese Transit Authority)

<object height="355" width="425">

<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/XeH129foh2A&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="355" width="425"></object>

[Saff]

Dear Bob Dylan and the Beatles,
Please Stop writing songs 40 years ago which speak to me so truthfully now. How could you have so much insight?
-Me

Dear Girl on the Train,
I think I love you. Why do you frighten me so much?
-You don't know Me

[proxy]

Dear Apartment Building across the street,

Listen, Rape Manor, stop having creepy molesters and their drunk sidekicks hoot at me when I take my puppy for a walk. I hear you're being sold. I hear allllllll the creepy dirty men across the street will have to move on to the next block. I couldn't be happier. But I kinda hope you burn down first.


~Jady

[Frymire]

Dear Jady,

That's you? Sorry.

-DF

p.s. Change your signature already. That's your old blog.

[proxy]

Dear Frymire,

I shall end you.

~Jady


p.s. jk! lolz bai!

[Fenstermaker]

Dear Volkswagen Customer Service,
We used to be cool; why did you have to start being unhelpful d-bags? Expect a real letter from me soon.
Jill (the one with the USELESS remote lock.)

[Rex]

Dear Parrots,
If you let people know how smart you may be, you could save millions of chickens. How can you be so cold?
signed,
Dolphins

ps Did you notice what we've done for whales? Even seals? C'mon.

[Chip]

Dear Netflix,

The categories of suggested movies you have decided for me are:

Indie Dramas
Social and Cultural Documentaries
Indie Documentaries, and
Social Issue Dramas

Fuck you.

-Chip

[Tabs]

Dear Louie,

Where is the Indiana Jones update? Someone forwarded me one of you emails and it has me giddy with the anticipation of what today's cinema will be like.

Sincerely,
Tab

[proxy]

Dear Weather,

Shape the eff up. I hear you're going to be awesome for the rest of the week...This is your last chance, buddy.

[Chip]

Dear Jady,

I ate lunch outside in a park by the lake. It was gorgeous! Where are you that it is not?

-Chip

[proxy]

Dear Jady,

I ate lunch outside in a park by the lake. It was gorgeous! Where are you that it is not?

-Chip


way to brag, show-off.

GAWD.

-Jady

[Ldub]

Dear groups of 4 or more walking slowly along the lake,

Stop taking up the whole trail; it's annoying. I yelled at you because when I tried to run past you a guy on a bike almost ran right over me. Just stop it.

[robbersean]

Dear Whole Foods,

Look Whole Foods, for the most part, you and I get along great. I love your produce, and your organic meat. I really like your 365 brand maple spice oatmeal, but Whole Foods?

You need to start carrying some cured meats. I've bought uncured bacon, hot dogs, and corned beef from you because you didn't have any of the cured kind. What I learned is that uncured bacon, hot dogs, and corned beef just don't have a ton of flavor.

So Whole Foods, please start carrying some cured meats. Otherwise, I'm spending that money at Jewel.

Lovingly yours,

Sean

[proxy]

Dear Park by my Apartment,

Let me get this straight. People can't let their dogs off-leash....but the creepy hobo shopping-cart caravan that hangs out there all day is ok? Because the cops that circle around and harass the poor kids playing basket ball seem to have no problem just leaving the situation alone.

I, for one, would rather have my kid playing in a playground by happy fetching dogs, NOT skeevy people who sleep on the softball fields and cook nameless meats on their port-o-grill whilst arguing with each other. The dogs, at least, have been socialized.


~Jady

[Frymire]

Dear HR Guy,

Dude, we work in an office of 30, not 300. We pass each other at least ten times a day, and we greeted each other this morning.

If you have a problem with my tennis shoes, say something to me. Don't say something to my Department-Manager-But-You-Don't-Call-Him-Department-Manager-Because-Then-You-Might-Have-To-Pay-Him-More, especially when I'm standing ten feet away and I can hear you.

Moves like this make you look like a passive aggressive douchebag - not unlike how this post makes me look.

Regards,

Frymire

P.S. Sandals are okay, but not tennis shoes? Seriously?

[Ldub]

Dear co-worker,

I can hear your burps and weird noises. Take some tums. Or stop eating so many burritos. Thanks.

-Lindsay

[Chip]

Dear burritos,

Come to my mouth...

-Chip

[jrrtubbs]

Dear Bennigan's,

We need to talk. Frankly, your food is delicious and it's making it very hard for me to say it. You need to get your act together. Your servers suck, your bartender that takes my carry out orders suck, your cooks suck. No one can get it right.

I keep coming back for the food. I don't want to keep coming back and getting stepped on because it makes it hard to focus on this delicious hot turkey sandwhich on pretzel bread. But man is this good.

Get it together,

Ryan

[Tabs]

Dear kitchen at work,

Why are you flooding such horrible smelling water? The maintenance guys have been trying to fix you for hours. I have never smelled anything so awful. I keep gagging because, that's right, my desk is right by the door. Please stop. Please?

Thanks,
Tab

ps I can smell cleaner over the horrible smell now. This mixture is worse than the original smell. Oh why?

[Gograh]

Dear girlfriend's best friend's wedding,
I've been against you from the start. Not for good reason, just because I'm against weddings. You're costing me an arm and a leg, I'll have to drive 15 hours for it, and it's the weekend of the Harold auditions.

There's a very good chance I'm going to object at the wedding. And if it ever ends in divorce, there will be hell to pay.

Just warning you, wedding.

All the best,
Gograh

[robbersean]

Dear Sun,

Why do you keep burning my pale, pale skin?

-Sean

[Sarah]

Dear guy who honked, gassed his SUV at me and then slammed on the brakes (as some sort of threat) because my pant leg got caught in my bike and I pulled over into a fire-lane (where you apparently needed to be) in order to pull it out,

Unnecessary.

[Frymire]

Dear Me,

Remember when you were a wee lad and believed that once the first rain drop fell, there couldn't be a tornado?

Those were more innocent times.

Let's hang on to that dream, shall we?

Me

[Ldub]

Dear myspace,
Why are the photo pages surrounded by tons of ads? It's distracting and annoying.

And dear ad at the top of the page,
What's with the annoying beeping sound? I have to constantly refresh the page to get a different ad that doesn't beep. I'm not stupid enough to click on you because I'm pretty sure I'm not the recipent of a new free Apple laptop or $1 million. Please stop.

And dear Guy Ritchie,
You could do way better. Yeah, I said it. Way better than Madonna.

[cooterpunch]

Dear Ultra Tight Walmart Brand Low-Rise Bikini Briefs,

I appreciate so much about you. The way I can wear skin-tight pants without showing lines. The fact you can never be called tighty-whities due to your flamboyant color schemes. The way you squeeze my package like a five year old with a waterbaloon.

While there is much to praise about you, Ultra Tight Walmart Brand Low-Rise Bikini Briefs, I dislike the discoloration you leave in my legs.

The other morning, I fell out of bed screaming when I couldn't wake up my left leg for an hour and was terrified I had lost it to diabetes.

No, it was just you, Ultra Tight Walmart Brand Low-Rise Bikini Briefs, simulating the side effects of a disease gone awry.

Please, loosen up just a bit.

Best regards,
CP

[Edison]

Careful cooterpunch, tighty-whities can lead to lower sperm count and even sterility. Swing free and and be fruitful.

[jrrtubbs]

Dear everyone on the Eastbound 152 bus who gets off at the Blue Line,

I want to make it known, we're all getting off at the Blue Line. The bus is packed. You don't need to shove (without saying excuse me) through all of us standing passengers to make sure you are by the door two stops ahead of the rest of us. I almost fell.

Thanks,
Ryan

[robbersean]

Dear Six Flags Great America,

I visited you for the first time ever, and had a great time! You have some pretty rad rollercoasters Six Flags Great America, and after spending a whole day with you, I still feel like I've barely scratched your surface!

My favorites of your many rollercoasters were Raging Bull, and Superman: Ultimate Flight.

I do however, have some nits to pick. First off, please stop charging extra fees for everything. I've already paid you a good portion of money for entry, and I don't want to be charged for things like inner tubes and fast pass (sorry, Flash Pass).

And speaking of Flash pass, you really need to work on improving this system. I've found fast passes at other amusement parks to work much better than your Flash pass.

Anyway Six Flags GA, I had a great time, and I hope to see you again soon.

Hearts,

Sean

[Edison]

Dear Hostess,

Those bags of "Buttermaid powdered donut gems" you make? ..The ones that have the words "A Chicago Favorite" printed on them?
Don't stop making them. Ever.
In fact; please make the bags bigger, with more donuts per bag.
There's just never quite enough.

Thank you.
_______

Dear Krispy Kreme,

Your gas station display cases offer day-old fare.
Nice try, but you're not kidding anyone.
C'mon. Seriously guys; When are you opening a Skokie franchise?

I can quit you, if I must.

[jrrtubbs]

Dear Attractive Indie Rock Girl on the Train Today,

Thanks for complimenting me on my sunglasses and the fact that I was reading Dave Eggers. I had to get off the train but I neglected to mention that I was listening to the Pixies before you started talking to me.

Love always,
Ryan

[hixx]

Dear Wedding Invitations:

You don't scare me with your desperate need of stamps and your minor penmanship errors. I am ready to let you go, to let you free in the world. You cannot taunt me any longer. If you love something, set it free, and hope the hell they don't come back.

Dear today:

You are very pretty.


Hixx

[proxy]

Dear apartment,

I will find you, baby. I want a washer and dryer inside you, you sexy thing.

[Walleye]

Dear Free Time,
WTF?!? When are you coming back?

Dear Kids,
Sleep, dammit.

Luv Daddy

deer spelling and grammer,

I wish i new you bedder then I did.

[Marby]

Dear Saturday Night,

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you. I promise we'll do something soon.

-Mike

[proxy]

Dear boss,

You laugh like a walrus and your career is based on chewing gum ingredients. Suck it.

[nhoj]

Dear Sonic Marketing Dept,

This
http://www.maketjdrink.com/
cost me an hour of my day today. In a good way. Thanks. Now open a burger shack here.

John

[proxy]

who's a cute one?? WHO'S a SNUGGLE-NUGGET!!!!!

WHO'S MY CUTE-BUTT-BUTT-CHOW-CHOW BABEEEE!!!!

OH MY GOOOOOOOOODNESS ARE YOU EXCITED FOR A WALKSES?????!!!!

YOU ARE???????? YOU SMART GENIUS!!!!

[Hendo]

Dear Proxy,

You really shouldn't treat Pad that way...

[Aaroneous]

Dear Gmail,

Really, don't be Facebook... Stop changing your graphic interface so often! I don't need that many features and I can't keep up with all the random skin color overhauls.

Love,
Aaron's Eyes that Are Reluctant to See Change*


*Except for Barack Obama. I love you, Barack. And your skin color. Don't ever change.

[proxy]

Dear Proxy,

You really shouldn't treat Pad that way...

Dear Hendo,

He effing loves it.





Dear Mason,

we stole your bit. Suckah.





Dear everyone,

oh, you can't come to Turducken 2008? I'm giving out free food. I want friends. Pity me, but pity me AS you drink cider and watch movies over at my cute apartment. Please. and give me a job. and also I fucking HATE people who are liked. They are jerks. Dammit.

[man.D.ble]

Dear Roommate,

Stop leaving your food and trash everywhere. Stop being so moody. Start to grow and start to learn or else you will fail like you do.




Dear Jobs,

If you only got rid of your "reqiurements" then you would see how many people could actually do great things. You want people, people want you. So let's stop these games and come together.




Dear Time,

Please speed up to late May/early June.

[Former Hoosier]

Dear Anders,
Must you miss the edge of the litter box so often? It's a huge kitty-toilet, and while you are a big cat, you aren't that big.

You are still a sweetie, though.

Love,
Mommy